Thursday, October 30, 2014

Day 30 and 31 ~ Connection (confessions of a recovering connection addict)


I have a love/hate relationship with connection. I love feeling connected to those I care about and I hate seasons of disconnection. I highly value connection.

My tendency is to feel safe, productive and happy when genuine connection is happening. I feel like I can handle anything that comes my way. This is especially true of my connection with Dave.

When we are disconnected, I feel mostly ... fear and insecurity. 

Quite naturally, with very little effort, Dave and I connect well 

          *when we are on vacation. So we love mini
            vacations throughout the year. 

          *when we are on dates, even something as
            simple as a cup of coffee together.

          *when we are in crisis, even a crisis of
            our own making. We become a team,
            spending lots of time talking, praying,
            supporting each other and problem
            solving.
         
It is in our daily normal living that connection is harder, wonky, even sometimes disappointing. This is where we have to have intentional and thoughtful plans. It does not happen naturally.

This used to freak me out, as I often let a normal season of disconnection send me spiraling down a very unhealthy path. It was easy for me to shut down and even easier for me to blame Dave.

In case your wondering, this did not lead me to more connection. (do not try this at home) 

With the help of a therapist, I learned that connection is something that ebbs and flows. No one can be connected all of the time. And I learned healthier ways to ask for what I needed and wanted.

As a third culture kid, I think this will always be a struggle for me ... but an honest look at it has really helped.


Now you know why we love drinking coffee together ... for fun and connection.

How do you stay connected to those you love? 

10 comments:

  1. Thank you for this post Glenda. I never really thought about being connected or disconnected. Makes a lot of sense. Guess Mike and I will need to do more things like coffee, etc. We never take vacations or time away. It is usually because of me (me:anxiety and introvert and Mike: extrovert). We aren't getting any younger! Please pray for Mike (and me!). Mike has kidney cancer and is having a surgical procedure on Monday where the dr. will try and freeze the cancer cells. Mike told me this morning that he is very anxious (unlike him). He has COPD and has only 23% lung capacity, so this may be a big concern. Kelly is taking him to a MN Wild game tonight so it will take his mind off things. Your posts always brighten my day!

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  2. A lot of the ways that you listed: mini vacations, tiny coffee dates and big decisions moments. Great post!

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  3. It is so true that being connected must ebb & flow. We stay connected by getting away for a weekend together, playing games and/or going out to dinner. Your posts have made me smile each time. May you keep on writing!

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  4. Cathie describes it as an entirely different person, known to her as 'vacation Wes'. :-)

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  5. Glenda...this was very enlightening. I feel a lot of this with my husband as well. I have tried to use the "disconnecting" time as a way to "grow" myself. I understand that we aren't Bert and Ernie! lol! We need time alone but I understand that you are talking on a different realm. I think we have to have those special moments together, as simple as coffee as you say, but time apart is healthy..we must, I believe, learn to find happiness and security in ourselves.

    Jane xx

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  6. So well said, Glenda. And I think your '3rd culture kid' analysis is spot on - I cannot imagine all the pieces that come with that reality, both the terrific ones and the harder ones, like this. Thanks for telling us about this so very well.

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  7. Glenda, have you read The Lord is My Shepherd - Inspirations for Couples by Carol Lynn Pearson?

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  8. Thank you for sharing your wisdom, Glenda! Your insights about connection in your own life are helpful to me, as a person who also values connection. Thank you!
    P.S. You should visit Minnesota soon and bring your family! We would have you over to our home, share many tasty beverages, and play with all 3 babies!

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  9. We married later (mid 30's) and had both lived alone before getting together so I feel I still need my alone time and so does he. When we are disconnected we try to sit down and come back to that common ground ~ the foundation we have built together. I so enjoyed all your October posts even though it has taken me forever to log on and comment.

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  10. Lovely post. Sharing your experience really helps others know that we aren't alone in those uncomfortable moments and remember that there are ways we can all work towards more connection. Thank you for your opennnes! You are such a beautiful example. I have found that when I feel inspired to intercede in a time of disconnect a small service towards my husband seems to heal the divide. A quick "thank you" text for putting new windshield wipers on my car just before rains came this week, a cute card left on his dresser with kind words & compliments, or giving him a foot or neck rub help us both to feel closer and more connected. It's amazing how powerful just taking time to say "thank you" for something can be.

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